Please God if you can't
make me SLIM,
make my friends
FAT!.. :-)
make me SLIM,
make my friends
FAT!.. :-)
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
DO YOU SMOKE?
A sm0ker was sm0king at the airp0rt.
A Gentleman came & asked him:
Gentleman: How much do you sm0ke a day?
Smoker: Why?
Gentleman: If you had collected the m0ney instead of sm0kin', the plane which is in fr0nt of you, w0uld have been yours!
Sm0ker: Do u sm0ke?
Gentleman: N0!
Sm0ker: Is that plane y0urs?
Gentleman: N0!
Sm0ker: Thanks for your advice, but that plane is mine.
Less0n? : SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP!
Gentleman: If you had collected the m0ney instead of sm0kin', the plane which is in fr0nt of you, w0uld have been yours!
Sm0ker: Do u sm0ke?
Gentleman: N0!
Sm0ker: Is that plane y0urs?
Gentleman: N0!
Sm0ker: Thanks for your advice, but that plane is mine.
Less0n? : SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Pen
Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = skinny
Skinny = ugly
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death
Lesson: Don't lose your PEN, you will DIE!!!
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = skinny
Skinny = ugly
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death
Lesson: Don't lose your PEN, you will DIE!!!
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 70
One day, a boy goes to school.
He enters the classroom,
and his friend throws a ball of paper at him, hits his head shout:
"Whooo! Headshots!
So the boy turns around, picks up a book & smacks his friend on the face and yells:
"Bang! Facebook!
_________________________________________________________________________
He enters the classroom,
and his friend throws a ball of paper at him, hits his head shout:
"Whooo! Headshots!
So the boy turns around, picks up a book & smacks his friend on the face and yells:
"Bang! Facebook!
_________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 69
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…
Customer : Hello, can I order..
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…
Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.
Customer : How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir
Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.
Customer : How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.
Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!
Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…
Customer : What!
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….
Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?
Customer : Faints…..
___________________________________________________________________________
Customer : Hello, can I order..
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…
Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.
Customer : How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir
Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.
Customer : How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.
Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!
Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…
Customer : What!
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….
Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?
Customer : Faints…..
___________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 69
6 things we can say in school:
1.Im tired
2.Im cold
3.I don't get it
4.I'm hungry
5.What time is it?
6.I want to go home
___________________________________________________
Pare 1:Pre, what's your biggest fantasy?
Pare 2:To be kissed by someone in the rain.
how about you?
Pare: To be that someone, pare.
___________________________________________________
1.Im tired
2.Im cold
3.I don't get it
4.I'm hungry
5.What time is it?
6.I want to go home
___________________________________________________
Pare 1:Pre, what's your biggest fantasy?
Pare 2:To be kissed by someone in the rain.
how about you?
Pare: To be that someone, pare.
___________________________________________________
Monday, July 9, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 68
I hate it when i sing a song and
the artist gets the words wrong.
____________________________________________________
SLEEP IS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT
ACCESS FOR INTERNET.
_____________________________________________________
A Filipino, Chinese, and an American are having adrink in a bar.
When a gorgeous woman come to them and said,
"Whoever can use the phrase 'liver and cheese' in a creative
sentence will marry me."
Chinese: I Love liver and cheese.
Woman: Thats not creative.
Filipinol:Liver alone, Cheese mine.
_____________________________________________________
the artist gets the words wrong.
____________________________________________________
SLEEP IS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT
ACCESS FOR INTERNET.
_____________________________________________________
A Filipino, Chinese, and an American are having adrink in a bar.
When a gorgeous woman come to them and said,
"Whoever can use the phrase 'liver and cheese' in a creative
sentence will marry me."
Chinese: I Love liver and cheese.
Woman: Thats not creative.
Filipinol:Liver alone, Cheese mine.
_____________________________________________________
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 67
Men look at a woman's behind and go "Oh!what an ass!"
women look at mens face and go "oh! what an ass!"
____________________________________________________
ADVICE FOR MARRIED MEN.
never laugh at your wife's choises you are one of them.
____________________________________________________
3 stupid stages of life!
teenage:
Have Time + energy...but No Money.
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy...but No Time.
Old Age:
Have Time + Money...but no Energy.
____________________________________________________
women look at mens face and go "oh! what an ass!"
____________________________________________________
ADVICE FOR MARRIED MEN.
never laugh at your wife's choises you are one of them.
____________________________________________________
3 stupid stages of life!
teenage:
Have Time + energy...but No Money.
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy...but No Time.
Old Age:
Have Time + Money...but no Energy.
____________________________________________________
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 66
An erderly couple were in Church. The wife leaned over
and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart...
What should I do?" The husbannd replied,
"Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
_____________________________________________________
Girl: Knock knock!
boy: whos there?
girl: inday
boy: inday, who?
girl:indaaaaaaaay-iay will always love you...
_____________________________________________________
Apple was going to make a smaller
version of ipod touch for kids.
until they realized that 'itouch kids'
sounded really wrong and awkward.
_____________________________________________________
and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart...
What should I do?" The husbannd replied,
"Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
_____________________________________________________
Girl: Knock knock!
boy: whos there?
girl: inday
boy: inday, who?
girl:indaaaaaaaay-iay will always love you...
_____________________________________________________
Apple was going to make a smaller
version of ipod touch for kids.
until they realized that 'itouch kids'
sounded really wrong and awkward.
_____________________________________________________
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 65
BOY:My fathers name is LAUGHING and
my my mother's name is SMILING.
TEACHER:You must be KIDDING?
BOY:nO,thats my brother. I'm JOKING...
____________________________________________________
my my mother's name is SMILING.
TEACHER:You must be KIDDING?
BOY:nO,thats my brother. I'm JOKING...
____________________________________________________
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 64
An Arab’s Interview in U.S Embassy
Consultant: “What Is Your Name?”
Arab: “Abdul Aziz, Sir”
Consultant: “Sex?”
Arab: “Six To Ten Times A Week”
Consultant: “No No, I Mean Male Or Female?”
Arab: “Both, Male And Female And Sometimes Even Camels”
Consultant: “Holy Cow”
Arab: “Yes, Cows And Dogs Too”
Consultant: “Man, Isnt It Hostile?”
Arab: “Horse Style, Dog Style, Any Style”
Consultant: “Ohhh Dear”
Arab: “Deer? Nop, They Run Too Fast“
_____________________________________________________________
3 Unforgettable Things In Our Life.!
.
.
... .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. Breakfast
2. Lunch
3. Dinner
bwahahahaha tommmaaahhh....
______________________________________________________________
MODERN PHILOSOPHIES:
1. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
2. The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise.
3. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
4. Your future depends on ur dreams. So go to sleep.
5. Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseat cause children.
6. Conserve water. Drink beer.
7. Save water. Shower w/a partner.
______________________________________________________________
Consultant: “What Is Your Name?”
Arab: “Abdul Aziz, Sir”
Consultant: “Sex?”
Arab: “Six To Ten Times A Week”
Consultant: “No No, I Mean Male Or Female?”
Arab: “Both, Male And Female And Sometimes Even Camels”
Consultant: “Holy Cow”
Arab: “Yes, Cows And Dogs Too”
Consultant: “Man, Isnt It Hostile?”
Arab: “Horse Style, Dog Style, Any Style”
Consultant: “Ohhh Dear”
Arab: “Deer? Nop, They Run Too Fast“
_____________________________________________________________
3 Unforgettable Things In Our Life.!
.
.
... .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. Breakfast
2. Lunch
3. Dinner
bwahahahaha tommmaaahhh....
______________________________________________________________
MODERN PHILOSOPHIES:
1. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
2. The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise.
3. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
4. Your future depends on ur dreams. So go to sleep.
5. Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseat cause children.
6. Conserve water. Drink beer.
7. Save water. Shower w/a partner.
______________________________________________________________
Monday, March 5, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 63
A bus full of ugly people met a fairy who gives them one wish each.
The first said, “Make me gorgeous!”
And so the fairy did. The rest followed with the same wish.
When the fairy came to the last person, he was laughing as he said his wish:
“Make them all ugly again!”
________________________________________________________
The first said, “Make me gorgeous!”
And so the fairy did. The rest followed with the same wish.
When the fairy came to the last person, he was laughing as he said his wish:
“Make them all ugly again!”
________________________________________________________
Monday, February 13, 2012
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 62
Its Hard To Sleep When You Know
How Burdened Your Mind Is...
It Is Even Harder Going To Sleep
.
.
.
.
When You Know There Is
Left Over Pizza n Icecream In The Fridge... ;) :D
.
________________________________________________
How Burdened Your Mind Is...
It Is Even Harder Going To Sleep
.
.
.
.
When You Know There Is
Left Over Pizza n Icecream In The Fridge... ;) :D
.
________________________________________________
Monday, October 31, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 61
A biker saw one girl about to jump off a bridge...so he stopped..
Biker: what are u doing?
Girl: committing suicide
biker: well before u die i wish to i kiss u
girl : okk
(after kissing)
biker : Woww dat was da best kiss in my life...but why are you committing suicide?
Girl : because my parents don't like me dressing like a girl
BIKER JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE :D :D
___________________________________________
Biker: what are u doing?
Girl: committing suicide
biker: well before u die i wish to i kiss u
girl : okk
(after kissing)
biker : Woww dat was da best kiss in my life...but why are you committing suicide?
Girl : because my parents don't like me dressing like a girl
BIKER JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE :D :D
___________________________________________
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 60
It's really hard to see people CHANGE...
Especially ....when they CHANGE their clothes
in front of you..:D
___________________________________
Especially ....when they CHANGE their clothes
in front of you..:D
___________________________________
Monday, October 3, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 59
Amerikano: We were the first on who walk in the moon.
Pinoy: We’ll be the first one who will step in the sun!
Amerikano: Are you crazy? It impossible, it’s too hot in there!
Pinoy: We’re not stupid, we’ll go there at night.
_________________________________________
Pinoy: We’ll be the first one who will step in the sun!
Amerikano: Are you crazy? It impossible, it’s too hot in there!
Pinoy: We’re not stupid, we’ll go there at night.
_________________________________________
Friday, September 30, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 58
“Being a college student is so easy, it’s just like walking in the park, a park like Jurassic Park…”
_______________________________
Moddern Day wedding ceremony:
Pari: do you both agree to change your FB status from inrelationship to married?
GROOM: like
BRIDE: like din father.
Pari: ok. You are now husband and wife. You may upload your pitures and don’t forget to tagged me.
ADDICT SA FACEBOOK.
_______________________________
_______________________________
Moddern Day wedding ceremony:
Pari: do you both agree to change your FB status from inrelationship to married?
GROOM: like
BRIDE: like din father.
Pari: ok. You are now husband and wife. You may upload your pitures and don’t forget to tagged me.
ADDICT SA FACEBOOK.
_______________________________
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 57
Boy: daddy? how did I come into this world??
Dad: listen carefully..
mom & dad met each other in a cyber cafe...in the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom a big USB. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick... when dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use firewall...since it was too late to cancel or delete,nine months later we ended up w/ a virus...
...hahahah!
__________________________________
Dad: listen carefully..
mom & dad met each other in a cyber cafe...in the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom a big USB. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick... when dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use firewall...since it was too late to cancel or delete,nine months later we ended up w/ a virus...
...hahahah!
__________________________________
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Jokes Quotes Text Messages 56
Teacher: why are u talking during my discussion?
Student: then, why are teaching during my conversation?
____________________________________
Student: then, why are teaching during my conversation?
____________________________________